There are better ways to cope with mistakes and missed opportunities

We all make mistakes. Whether it is a poorly timed remark, a mismanaged personal situation, or a major professional fork in the road where we chose the wrong path, everyone carries the weight of a few bad decisions. Sometimes, we brush off these slip-ups with ease. Other times, they take root in our minds, transforming into nagging, long-term regrets that make us question our choices—or our lack of action.

As discussed in the Harvard University podcast Harvard Thinking, host Samantha Laine Perfas sat down with three prominent specialists to dissect why we experience regret and how we can learn to break free from its grip. The panel included palliative care specialist Susan Block, behavioural scientist Leslie John, and neuroscientist Elizabeth Phelps. Together, their clinical and scientific perspectives outline a clear path toward making peace with our past.

Regret vs. Remorse: Making Amends with Yourself

To overcome our past, we must first correctly identify what we are feeling. Palliative care specialist Susan Block notes that we often mistakenly tangle ‘regret’ with ‘remorse’.

“Remorse is a feeling of wishing you had done something different, the counterfactual that led to somebody else being harmed,” Block explains. “Regret has more to do with your own inner experience, and it’s about making amends with yourself.”

Recognizing that regret is primarily an internal struggle is the first step toward self-forgiveness. While remorse pushes us to make amends to someone else, curing regret requires changing how we talk to ourselves.

Sins of Omission: The Pain of What We Didn’t Do

A fascinating shift occurs in how we process our choices over time. Behavioural scientist Leslie John highlights the classic work of psychologist Thomas Gilovich, who discovered a reversal in what we regret as we age. Immediately following a bad decision—a ‘sin of commission,’ like an argument or a reckless purchase—our regret spikes.

However, as decades pass, this dynamic flips. Years down the line, human beings overwhelmingly tend to regret the things they didn’t do—the ‘sins of omission.’ We lose sleep over the high school crush we never spoke to, the business venture we didn’t start, or the risk we avoided out of fear. Under-sharing and holding back create missed opportunities, leaving us with friendships that never blossomed and romances that never sparked.

Activating Your Psychological Immune System

Why do actual mistakes feel lighter over time, while missed opportunities feel heavier? Neuroscientist Elizabeth Phelps explains that human beings possess an inherent ‘psychological immune system.’

Our brains naturally try to reinterpret the actions we took to protect our mental well-being. We unconsciously create justifications and rationalizations for our behaviour because walking around feeling bad indefinitely is harmful to our survival.

The catch? It is far easier for our mind to rationalize an action we took than to justify an action we completely avoided. Because the missed opportunity exists only as an imaginary ‘what if,’ our psychological immune system has no concrete data to work with, leaving the regret to linger.

How to Break the Cycle

If you find yourself wallowing in past choices, the experts argue that the key to breaking the cycle is shift your focus from past pain to future utility. Elizabeth Phelps recommends directly confronting your internal loops with an objective question:

“What is it I got from that situation that might be helpful? And what kinds of things can I use that for to help me in the future?”

Regret is a highly adaptive evolutionary tool when used properly. It isn’t meant to be a permanent emotional prison; it is a behavioural compass. By achieving a balanced understanding of why you made certain choices, you can use the sting of past regrets to ensure you do not miss the opportunities right in front of you today.

The Way Forward

Ultimately, breaking the cycle of regret means shifting your perspective from what you lost to what you learned. By understanding that your brain is naturally wired to heal from action rather than inaction, you can actively choose to step forward. Use your past not as an anchor to hold you back, but as a roadmap to make bolder, more mindful choices today.